Dear Nameless Caffeine Addict,

I see you every morning at the local java joint, filling up on fuel before your workday begins, and just like you, I feel that if I were to break this cycle, my life might come to some hurried, apocalyptic end. The heap of paper or styrofoam cups, wide-mouthed syringes previously full of liquid promising to deliver happiness, has been mounting because of our need to put our morning crankiness at bay. I know you feel as bad about it as I do. As a gift, I’ve enclosed in the accompanying package the I Am Not A Paper Cup, a double-walled porcelain beauty with silicone lid that you can use on your next coffee run. You can even run it through the dishwasher alongside your lucky “Instant Human: Just Add Coffee” mug. Have fun with it and know I’ll be right there behind you in line with my own I Am Not A Paper Cup ready for filling. Really, we should be able to enjoy our vice with a better conscience.

Sincerely,

Fellow Nameless Caffeine Addict

P.S. Shall we try to switch to tea? Green tea apparently has the ability to give a big wallop too.